A letter to my dad on Father's Day

Even though today is a painful reminder of your absence, the joy in the memories and the thought of your laughter push aside the sadness for a while. I often find myself thinking of the time just you and I walked down that beach in Florida. We went to cocoa beach for the day, mom, Tessa and Ellie went shopping for a bit and you said to me, why enjoy the beach with hundreds of people when you can enjoy it peacefully. So we got in the car and drove down highway 101. My curiosity and astonishment for the ocean came from that walk we took down a stretch of sand that went for miles, with only two other people in sight. Just by the way you watched the waves and told me so many interesting things, I knew I would too feel that way someday. On that walk you told me there were more stars in the sky than grains of sand on the earth. My young mind had such a hard time understanding that, but I knew it just had to be true because it was coming from my dad. Now when I look at the stars I think about you and all the amazing things you've seen up there. That’s the funny thing about death, just how alive it really is. The way it can sneak up on you when you least expect it. The way it shows up in places it has no business being in. Any achievement or gain I make in my life, I am painfully reminded of the loss. Not having one of the most important people in my life here by my side to experience my strides forward and accomplishments, one of my biggest fans is missing. Though it's tough at times, I keep my head up, smile and remind myself you are still here. So many things remind me of you but I wouldn't want it any other way. The more I remember you the less it feels like you're really gone. I've realized, even more than before, how truly amazing you were and how many beautiful things we got to experience together that made all these memories. Thank you for being you dad, and not caring who saw you giving the camera the middle finger in our family pictures or who rolled their eyes at you that one time I was in 7th grade and you were so proud of me for punching a boy in the face because he was making fun of me. Thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself and my family and to never stop fighting for the things I believe are right. I love you with all my heart and not a day goes by that I don't think about how different life would be with you still here. How different it would be if you were still here to help us when the sink clogs or when my car makes a funny noise. If you could meet the first boyfriend I've had since you passed away. I would give anything to watch you shake his hand and hear you give him all the shit I know you would. If you were here to watch your son raise his own son into the smart little boy he is becoming or if you could have seen Ellie walk across the stage at graduation or hear Tessa talk about having kids of her own soon. Or how different things would be if I still had you to make me laugh when all I want to do is breakdown. I try my hardest not to, but I often think about my wedding day without you. Or how the thought of me having to explain to my children someday that they don't get to meet grandpa because he's in heaven makes my heart turn cold. When these thoughts flood my brain I know I must quickly remind myself you will be right there with me for all these life experiences, just in a different way. I will feel you there with me through the music I hear or the breeze I feel. Through the sunsets I'll enjoy with my kids someday and through the ocean I'll encourage them to love because of all its wonder, just like you did for me. And most importantly I will feel you through our family because we all carry such a big part of you with us. Life without you has been a challenge we face every single day. It's absolutely terrifying when you almost start getting use to living without someone you love tremendously because they are gone, but what's a person to do. I know you wouldn't want me to continue living with the pain of losing you over powering everything else, so I continue living with the pain of losing you, but what continuously over powers that pain is the absolute joy I feel when I think about how much God blessed me when he gave me you as my dad. I got to know you so well over the 21 years we had together. I got to know the soft side of you that would get teary eyed listening to old songs you loved and the hilarious side of you that could make any one laugh at the drop of a dime. The temperamental side of you that once threw a bowl of noodles at the tv because your team was losing but only ever feeling the very loving side of you that use to carry me and Ellie piggyback up the stairs, hand us our chocolate milk and tuck us in every night before bed. I wish I could sit you down and thank you for all the things you did for me, I wish I could call up to heaven and tell you one more time just how awesome it was to have you as my dad, but unfortunately I can't. So I'll write you this letter and I'll believe that someway, somehow you will read it. I promise that you will live on every day through me. I will always stop and enjoy the beauty of nature, will always listen to songs that have kick ass drum solos and will always picture being on the back of your motorcycle every time I hear one pass by. I will always continue to talk about you to people who come in my life that don't have the privilege of meeting you and give them my deepest regrets that they don't get to, because every one who did, if even for a minute, will never forget you. And lastly, I will never stop celebrating Father's Day just because you're gone. You gave me such a remarkable, caring, strong willed father who over came so many obstacles in his life to provide such unmeasurable love to his family, and to me that's something that will always be worth celebrating. I love you my angel, and I will see you again someday but until then please know that you were truly a one of a kind father, who with the help of a wonderful women raised four one of a kind people who will never forget you.