A letter to my dad on Father's Day

Even though today is a painful reminder of your absence, the joy in the memories and the thought of your laughter push aside the sadness for a while. I often find myself thinking of the time just you and I walked down that beach in Florida. We went to cocoa beach for the day, mom, Tessa and Ellie went shopping for a bit and you said to me, why enjoy the beach with hundreds of people when you can enjoy it peacefully. So we got in the car and drove down highway 101. My curiosity and astonishment for the ocean came from that walk we took down a stretch of sand that went for miles, with only two other people in sight. Just by the way you watched the waves and told me so many interesting things, I knew I would too feel that way someday. On that walk you told me there were more stars in the sky than grains of sand on the earth. My young mind had such a hard time understanding that, but I knew it just had to be true because it was coming from my dad. Now when I look at the stars I think about you and all the amazing things you've seen up there. That’s the funny thing about death, just how alive it really is. The way it can sneak up on you when you least expect it. The way it shows up in places it has no business being in. Any achievement or gain I make in my life, I am painfully reminded of the loss. Not having one of the most important people in my life here by my side to experience my strides forward and accomplishments, one of my biggest fans is missing. Though it's tough at times, I keep my head up, smile and remind myself you are still here. So many things remind me of you but I wouldn't want it any other way. The more I remember you the less it feels like you're really gone. I've realized, even more than before, how truly amazing you were and how many beautiful things we got to experience together that made all these memories. Thank you for being you dad, and not caring who saw you giving the camera the middle finger in our family pictures or who rolled their eyes at you that one time I was in 7th grade and you were so proud of me for punching a boy in the face because he was making fun of me. Thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself and my family and to never stop fighting for the things I believe are right. I love you with all my heart and not a day goes by that I don't think about how different life would be with you still here. How different it would be if you were still here to help us when the sink clogs or when my car makes a funny noise. If you could meet the first boyfriend I've had since you passed away. I would give anything to watch you shake his hand and hear you give him all the shit I know you would. If you were here to watch your son raise his own son into the smart little boy he is becoming or if you could have seen Ellie walk across the stage at graduation or hear Tessa talk about having kids of her own soon. Or how different things would be if I still had you to make me laugh when all I want to do is breakdown. I try my hardest not to, but I often think about my wedding day without you. Or how the thought of me having to explain to my children someday that they don't get to meet grandpa because he's in heaven makes my heart turn cold. When these thoughts flood my brain I know I must quickly remind myself you will be right there with me for all these life experiences, just in a different way. I will feel you there with me through the music I hear or the breeze I feel. Through the sunsets I'll enjoy with my kids someday and through the ocean I'll encourage them to love because of all its wonder, just like you did for me. And most importantly I will feel you through our family because we all carry such a big part of you with us. Life without you has been a challenge we face every single day. It's absolutely terrifying when you almost start getting use to living without someone you love tremendously because they are gone, but what's a person to do. I know you wouldn't want me to continue living with the pain of losing you over powering everything else, so I continue living with the pain of losing you, but what continuously over powers that pain is the absolute joy I feel when I think about how much God blessed me when he gave me you as my dad. I got to know you so well over the 21 years we had together. I got to know the soft side of you that would get teary eyed listening to old songs you loved and the hilarious side of you that could make any one laugh at the drop of a dime. The temperamental side of you that once threw a bowl of noodles at the tv because your team was losing but only ever feeling the very loving side of you that use to carry me and Ellie piggyback up the stairs, hand us our chocolate milk and tuck us in every night before bed. I wish I could sit you down and thank you for all the things you did for me, I wish I could call up to heaven and tell you one more time just how awesome it was to have you as my dad, but unfortunately I can't. So I'll write you this letter and I'll believe that someway, somehow you will read it. I promise that you will live on every day through me. I will always stop and enjoy the beauty of nature, will always listen to songs that have kick ass drum solos and will always picture being on the back of your motorcycle every time I hear one pass by. I will always continue to talk about you to people who come in my life that don't have the privilege of meeting you and give them my deepest regrets that they don't get to, because every one who did, if even for a minute, will never forget you. And lastly, I will never stop celebrating Father's Day just because you're gone. You gave me such a remarkable, caring, strong willed father who over came so many obstacles in his life to provide such unmeasurable love to his family, and to me that's something that will always be worth celebrating. I love you my angel, and I will see you again someday but until then please know that you were truly a one of a kind father, who with the help of a wonderful women raised four one of a kind people who will never forget you. 

In Sickness And In Health

I was looking through old pictures today and came across this photo. It really got me thinking about how blessed I am for the family I have, especially my mother, who was our backbone the 2 years that my father battled lung cancer. I can't even count the number of times I came home to my mom and dad in the den, dad in his recliner and mom on the couch next to him reading the bible or a good novel out loud. Or the times I walked in the room to talk to my parents to find them asleep, holding hands. I can't forget the times I'd turn my car to come down our street and see my mom and dad and our dog, Sage going out for a walk. Or the times my mom would encourage my dad to do the things he loved, after all, cancer didn't mean he couldn't ride his motorcycle or rock out on the drums. One particular time I will never forgot was when I came home to my mom and dad both in the bathroom. Dad had such a discouraged look on his face as he sat on a bath chair because he couldn't walk up the stairs to our shower. My mother had just helped him bathe and get dressed. He looked at me and I knew exactly what he was feeling. He couldn't take care of himself anymore, he was scared. And there my mom was, drying off what little hair he had left with a towel and a smile on her face because she wanted him, my father, her husband to know that she would do whatever she had to in order to make him feel like he was going to be cared for no matter what the circumstances were. I want my mom to know I understand how hard it was. How hard it was to always be the positive one, how hard it was to argue with my dad, begging him to get out of his room and live his life, to try to get him to see that cancer wouldn't stop the world from spinning. And especially how hard it was to always be the one telling everyone it was going to be ok, even though she wasn't sure if it was. I want her to know how profoundly sweet it is for me to know that she was making his life worth living, even though she couldn't make him well, she was making him better. How very special it is to have found that, through illness, I was able to rediscover how much my mom and dad truly loved each other. The day my parents got married they exchanged vows. They both said "in sickness and in health" and neither of them knew the struggles they had yet to face. If you knew my dad, you know he considered himself the luckiest man in the world to have ended up with my mom. You see, his story was a little crazy. I guess you could say he was a little rough around the edges, and my mom, coming from a well known, well liked family who owned a successful business in a small town, well I guess you could say my parents story was like something out of a Nicholas Sparks book. The tough and troubled guy with a surprisingly soft heart falls in love with a girl way out of his league and they end up spending the rest of their lives together. I've always said my parents love story is my favorite. They never knew all the hardships they would face together and never guessed that something like cancer would affect our family in such a big way. I was always a "daddy's girl" and it wasn't until my last two years of high school that I realized how truly amazing my mom was. Yes, I've always appreciated and loved my mother unconditionally(and always knew she was pretty damn amazing) but there came a time when I looked at her as more than my mom, I looked at her as a best friend. Someone I could always turn to with any problem and she would always give me her honest opinion. If I had to thank my mom for the biggest things she has done to shape me into the person I am today, one would be the fact that she wasn't one of those moms who just pretended like their kids did no wrong and always sugar coated everything. She had no problem telling me when I was in the wrong and when I needed to straighten out. She knows me. She knows how I am and how I act in situations. She knows my terrible temper (I think because I got it from her, she's learned to control hers, I'm still working on that) and she knows I can sometimes expect everything to go my way. She has made me realize that when I get angry or upset I need to stop and really analyze the situation before I put all the blame on someone else, which is what I have a tendency of doing. But if I really had to think about the number one thing, the one thing I will always appreciate my mom for it would be caring for my dad. Caring for him throughout their time together and especially when he was sick. In all honesty, my dad would have never made it two years with cancer without my mom. I miss my dad like hell. Not a day, literally not one day has gone by in the year he has been gone that I haven't cried out for him. I miss everything about him. From his songs to his humor. The way he drug his slippers on the floor, and played with our dog, he loved her so much. To the way he would run up our stairs slamming his hands and feet on each stair and peek his head around the corner at the top and whistle really loud just to get a little rise out of his easily irritated kids. We all loved him so much even though sometimes he thought it was fun to annoy us. I can remember riding on his motorcycle with him, I would be so excited and think I was so cool because my dad had a Harley. When I was younger I went on rides with him frequently and one place we would always go was downtown by the work buildings that had huge glass windows in front. While we drove by he would tell me to look over and I thought it was so awesome seeing our reflection in those windows. That was when I was in fourth grade. Years passed before I got on his motorcycle again. It was my freshman year of college and he was about to put his bike away for the colder seasons and I asked for a ride. I think he was a little shocked considering I hadn't been on his bike in years but of course he said yes without hesitation. We drove around town, down Grand View and down the highway. I thought he was going through downtown to get back on Loras to go home. Well little did I know he was actually driving by the big glass windows I use to love to see myself on his motorcycle in. So many years had passed since I was that little girl on my dads motorcycle and he still remembered that one place we would always ride by. When we got home I got off his bike and just remember hugging him so hard, my dad was the best. There are so many special memories that I hold on to so tight like that with my dad. He was so special to me. I can't thank God enough for the time I got to share with him, and how I got to know him over the 21 years we were together. So many people tell me I am a spitting image of him and that makes me so proud. I see him in myself a lot, from my love for animals and music to the huge, soft heart that I carry. Some days I get angry thinking about how God took him way too early, but I quickly remind myself that he is in such a better place and one day I will be reunited with him. Growing up in a Christian family we would all go to church, besides my dad. He never fully believed in it all and was confused by our faith. A few years before he was diagnosed with cancer he was saved and turned his heart to Jesus. He once said to me he had no idea how he went so long without knowing the Lord's goodness. This is also something I will always thank my mother for because without her that never would have happened. I dream about the day I will see him again often. I dream about running into his arms and being able to call him dad again, face to face. I dream about thanking God for taking good care of him and holding my dad with Him in heaven. I do not wish my life short on this beautiful earth but I know when my time comes, hopefully when I'm a wrinkly old lady, I will be ready. I have been blessed with two extraordinary parents who have both sacrificed so much for their family and who have both made my life so beautiful. If you are reading this and still have both of your parents, hug them tight. People always say you can lose people in the blink of an eye. Many people think it won't happen to them but then it does and someone who you care about and love tremendously is gone. I was lucky enough to have let my father know how much I loved him, I told him every single day even before he was diagnosed with cancer. I got to be with my father, my hand on him as he left this world and moved on to his new home with God. But that's not always the case. Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you because as cliché as it sounds, you never know which day will be yours, or a loved ones last.